My emotions, good or bad, have controlled my life for as long as I can remember. Depression, fear, and guilt have been my most natural responses when life throws me a curve ball. I curl up in a little ball and hide from the world. The bad thing about this response is I'm hiding from the very thing I want to help change. How can I tell my story when I'm driven by these destructive emotions? The truth is, I can't.
This morning I was drinking my coffee and reading my Bible, asking God to change me. He brings me to a scripture I have read so many times and have hanging by my front door. Joshua 24:15 says to choose this day who you will serve. That's when it hit me. I've been serving my emotions every day. I choose to dwell on depression, guilt, fear, and all the other things I feel on a daily basis instead of dwelling on God. He's the One who knows me and protects me. He is the One who holds my future. All the turmoil I feel inside is made to destroy, not bring life.
So this day I choose God. I choose to let Jesus go deeper than my wounds. I choose to let Him and His Words guide me and leave the rest behind.
I titled this blog "Restoring The Years" because the Lord has done so much for me, and given me back so much that I had lost. Until recently, I had no idea that He was also talking about my body. For years I thought fat = ugly. What a lie from hell.
I have struggled with depression and very low self esteem for years. I am definitely what you would call and emotional eater. The more weight I gained, the uglier I thought I was. The uglier I thought I was, the more I ate. It really is a vicious cycle. Of course, I never felt like exercising either. As Christians, we know that our body is a temple. So, I have always felt tremendous guilt for not treating it that way. All these negative emotions take take a toll and the devil LOVES it!
Lately I have been thinking about grace and what it means to me. Grace is something I definitely don't deserve. It's not something I can earn. It's just given to me freely and repeatedly. It's given to everyone. It doesn't matter who we are or what we've done. It's a second chance.
I guess we really don't look at neglecting our bodies as sin. But, I believe it is. I'm not saying that we can never have a cookie or that we have to exercise for hours each day. What I am saying is that 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. I am not my own; I was bought at a price. That right there is good enough for me.
So the other day I woke up. I realized the enemy had stolen my body away from me and it was time to get it back. Thank God for His grace and forgiveness. I realize that it will take hard work and I'm ready for it. I will definitely have to deny myself and hold myself accountable. The Holy Spirit living inside me is big enough for the job. I trust Him completely to see me through.
Thanks for reading,
Jessica
I would love to hear from anyone going through the same thing. Email me at jessicanc78@gmail.
When you are broken, you don't see things the way they really are. You see them through the lenses of a lie. You start living your life that way. The person who taught me to love Jesus had walked away from Him. Sin wasn't such a big deal anymore. You live to please yourself, not God.
I put God on the back burner of my life. I knew He was there, but He didn't really matter much. So, I started to drink with my friends a little. I started smoking pot a little. Sex was something I was talked into doing because it's just something everyone does. No big deal. But sin IS a big deal. Sin is death and it changes you.
I believed the enemy when he told me that I didn't matter and that nobody loved me. It all starts as a whispered lie. "You're not loved, Jessica", "You're ugly", "You are stupid", "You are worthless". When we start believing these lies, we change. If nobody can love us, then maybe God can't either. We make so many mistakes and do so many things that He tells us not to do, how could He love us?
That's just another lie. Satan loves to lie. John 8:44 says that when he lies, he speaks his native language. He is a liar and the father of lies. So why are we so quick to believe him?
God, on the other hand, is full of truth. It is absolutely impossible for him to deceive us. He does not lie (Titus 1:2). When He says we are worth it (Romans 5:8), believe Him. When He says He loves us (John 3:16), believe Him. He means it. Ask God to show you what lies you have been believing about Him.
Take a minute right now and ask.
Now ask Jesus what the truth is.
Embrace that truth because when you know the Truth, it will definitely set you free (John 8:32).
If you need prayer, please email me at jessicanc78@gmail.com
I was a good girl that came from a good family. I grew up in church and knew that Jesus loved me. I never caused trouble and always followed the rules. I never ran with the wrong crowd. Nobody saw it coming.
I was pregnant at 18. I had a boyfriend who said all of the right things and pretended to love me. So, I thought I had to marry that boyfriend. The next 10 years were a nightmare. I lived in a world full of lies and emotional, mental, and occasionally, physical abuse. There was drug use and adultery. I ended up having two more children during my marriage. My kids have gone through things that no one should go through. I tried to make life as normal as possible for them, but it never was. I was trapped in a living hell.
The last couple of years of my marriage, I sought the Lord with all of my heart. He was all that I had. I knew He could change my life, but I had no idea just how much He could change it. He gave me Joel 2:25-27 to hang onto and that's what I did. I believed and prayed and cried for a long, long time. There were days that I wanted to kill myself and there were days I tried to find ways to kill my husband. But God had something different in mind.
After years of abuse, neglect, and homelessness we got out. But, it didn't stop there. My kids would visit him on the weekends. I didn't find out what was going on until he went to prison. He was involving my kids in crime and horrible abuse. I found out right after we separated that he had used their social security numbers to get credit cards in their names. I pressed charges and he has been in and out of prison ever since.
I was free.
I wish I could say that everything automatically got better. It didn't. While I was free from a life of abuse, I wasn't free from the effects. I was deeply depressed and had an extremely low self esteem. Instead of turning to God for love, I looked in all the wrong places. I just wanted someone to love me and fill the void. I was so ashamed. These guys didn't love me. Alcohol didn't love me. Why was I running so hard from the One that did?
Fear. Everything I was doing was because I was afraid. I was afraid of trusting God. I was afraid of being alone and unloved. I thought God was disappointed in me for my choices. I had no idea how much Jesus really did love me.
I had had enough. One day, I decided to go back to the church I grew up in. I was so embarrassed. I thought everyone would stare and whisper about me. I thought everyone would say "I told you so". That's not what happened. I was welcomed with open arms. They had missed me. Gradually, I started praying again and I even got out my Bible. I didn't start reading it for a while, but it was a start. God was starting to heal my heart.
In the last seven years, God has restored the years the locusts have eaten....just like He said he would when He gave me the promise in Joel years before. I'm amazed every day at His love for me. He lifted me from the pit and set my feet up on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand (Psalm 40:2). I want what I went through to be a testimony of God's love and his mercy. We are NEVER too far gone. There is NOTHING too big. God is real. His love for us is not conditional. It's not based on how good we are or how much we do for Him. He loves us and meets us just where we are. He goes down into the pit we are in and lifts us out. He will do that for you just like He did for me.
I have NO regrets. I have a story to tell.
If you need prayer, please email me jessicanc78@gmail.com
Where to start. I'm Jessica. I'm writing this blog because the Lord has told me that I have a story to tell. I guess I do. I don't know where this will go. I have no expectations. I just want to be obedient to the Lord (that's hard sometimes). I want to be a light to hurting women, and maybe some men in this world. I'm not an expert blogger or even all that wonderful at the English language. I'm not a Bible scholar, either. In fact, I don't read my Bible every day. I know that I should, but I don't. I'm just a woman who has a LONG way to go. I love Jesus, but I sure can screw things up sometimes. Especially when I think I know what's best for me and decide not to listen to the One who actually does.
My story is one with a lot of pain, but also a lot of hope. The Lord's restoring power is AMAZING. I can't even begin to thank Him for what He has done for me. He is my Savior, my Provider, my Deliverer, my EVERYTHING.
Life isn't easy. In fact, at times it seems almost impossible. It might feel like your problems are so big they are suffocating. You may think there is no way out. I know all of those feelings because I have felt them, too. I wanted to die. But, I'm here to tell you that God has a plan for you....yes, YOU (Jeremiah 29:11)!!!! It might be be hard to get there. There might be a lot of work involved. It might not happen overnight. Actually, the "might" should probably be replaced with "will". But everything from God is worth it. He will give you beauty instead of ashes, oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair (Isaiah 61:3). That is a promise.
I have no idea what God's plan is for this blog. I don't know if I will have a gazillion followers or only a handful. The truth is, I don't care. If one person can come to know Jesus from something I have to offer, then all of my pain has been worth it.
