Jesus-
I'm all out of ideas. I have no more ways to tell You how You can make it better. I'm at the end of my rope. I have been trying to figure things out on my own for too long.
It's not working. Jesus, my ways are not working.
Sometimes it's like my head is in such chaos. I hear You. I hear myself. Satan is always making sure his voice is the loudest. Sometimes it's almost like a tug of war with my thoughts. It's not always easy to hear You through all of the noise. Your still, small voice barely audible at times (1 Kings 19:12).
But I know You're listening.
I know that the tears I have shed, You have collected and You have recorded my misery (Psalm 56:8). I have finally started to really understand that this is all bigger than just me.
Even through all my failure and doubt, You remain the same (Hebrews 13:8). I falter under the weight of my worry and my fear, but You carry me (Psalm 28:9).
There are days when I am so angry with You. I get confused and I don't understand why. Why all the hurt? Why all the pain? Why all the injustice?
I know that I lose focus of the things that matter. I know that a lot of the time, I don't look beyond what I'm going through to see what You're really doing. I forget everything You have brought me out of and forget all the promises You have made.
I need You, Jesus. I need You more than I ever have before. I want to scream at you to fix it, but I know You already have. I know You are waiting for me to trust You and to trust that You know what to do. I know You are waiting on me to totally surrender it all to You and Your will.
That's hard, Jesus.
It's not easy to trust when the people who were supposed to love me, hurt me. It's not easy when I've been let down time after time after time. It's not easy when so many have taken from me, but have never given me anything in return.
But, I'm willing to try. I'm willing to give up everything I want for You and Your will for my life. I want You more than I want to hold onto my anxiety and stress. I want my life to be a reflection of You, not my selfish desires.
I want all of You, Jesus....and I want You to have all of me.
